Thank you for Annoying me, and Increasing our Chance of Survival
Original Medium Post HERE
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How to respond based on the four adaptiveness levels
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Evolved for this moment
“Did you ever see someone that tall running? It doesn’t look right.”
One of our high school track coaches said this to a few students, laughing, referring to 6’5” me.[1]
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Thankfully I was born in 1979 in the United States — and not in most other periods of human history.
I run like a penguin. I’m very near sighted. I have turtle-like reflexes.
When it was time to run down an antelope to feed the tribe, I was not going to be your man.
When it was time to not be eaten by a tiger . . . I would have been eaten.
However, in today’s world . . . I’m very good at ordering food — and eating it. I do my best to protect my family from insects big and small. I can type quickly.
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Our environment is always changing, and our species has remarkable flexibility to adapt.
The coach mentioned my height. In different locations and times, optimal human heights vary — based on landscape, tradeoffs between reduced calorie needs for shorter humans and benefits of height for hunting, and the height of ceilings and supporting beams in local pubs. [2]
In all places and times, there are advantages to having diverse heights in a population, and the genetic diversity that allows heights to change as the context changes.[3] But . . .
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Differences can lead to disagreement
My wife, Vanessa, and I contribute to that diversity in the height gene pool; she is rounding up when she says she is 5’2” tall.
When we lived in our condo in a converted East Boston school, I often said how much I loved the view from our deck.
More of me is above the edge of the deck. I had a different view from a different place on it.
Vanessa usually replied, “It’s OK.”
Less of Vanessa is above the edge of the deck. She had a different view from a different place on it.
For a year, Vanessa thought I had rose-colored glasses because I was back in East Boston. I thought she was missing the neighborhood where we lived before. We argued about the quality of our new view from time to time, and found each other’s perspectives a little annoying.
Then one day, I was on my knees picking something up, and I looked up. The view really wasn’t as good. I invited Vanessa outside and lifted her up to take in my view; she was shocked at what I had been looking at and agreed it actually was better.
Our minds were blown. How, over the course of the year, had we never realized we were actually seeing a different view?
A photo I took from our deck. Note some trees and buildings that could block the skyline view if I were standing lower.
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Differences make us see the world differently
My grandfather challenged me to try something new on the menu; when I didn’t know what Welsh rarebit was, that was the perfect dish. Perhaps you prefer to have the same meat and potatoes at home every night.
My parents and I relax and recharge by spending a vacation walking across Rome from early morning to late at night. Other family members relax and recharge by never leaving the beach chair.
And, as is far too obvious in this time, our seeming chasms in political preferences relate to differences in how we see the world.
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Each preference reflects personality types, beliefs or behaviors that are adaptive in various times and places. In any time and place, having that mix leads to better problem solving, helps individuals push our limits, allows us to specialize in our work — and supports our collective survival.
But when we’re trying to make vacation plans, or dinner plans, or have a Thanksgiving conversation, we might just find those other perspectives annoying, difficult, frustrating.
Sometimes we can’t imagine how or why the other person feels what they feel. We’re not wired the same way; we just need to accept their different emotional experience is real.
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For any idea/action/perspective/response, there are:
Assume #4 is very unlikely; responses that are 100% maladaptive will disappear over time.
It’s good to assume others and ourselves are usually at #2. In most complex situations, we probably have something to learn from each other to get to a better solution.
And even if we think we have a #1, if we can’t get needed buy-in and support from key people who we think have a #3 or #4, we actually — at best — have a #2.[4]
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Thanking and forgiving ourselves and each other
When we are befuddled by each other, about to argue, or annoyed with our own illogical thoughts and actions, being mindful and reflecting on these Adaptiveness Levels can help us increase love and compassion.
Even when the other perspective is fully a #3 (we should be very hesitant to draw that conclusion and miss the other’s contribution), we can try to love the person and be grateful the gene pool allows their perspective.
When we don’t understand our own behavior, thoughts or actions, we can identify the #3ness of our response. Maybe it even was a #1 response in other places and times. We can be thankful we could respond that way then, love ourselves, forgive ourselves, laugh at ourselves, and find our way to today’s #1.
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Stay joyful, East Boston.
This is the 45th post about boosting joy the only way we can: in community. Please share, subscribe, and join our movement by emailing me or supporting East Boston Social Centers.
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[1] He was not my running coach — who inspired my love of running and meditation.
[2] This can become increasingly relevant as one has a few drinks.
[3] See this study about heights in various contexts.
[4] That could likely be confusing. I’m happy to talk through it more.